Moving right along

Things are moving right along in baby land. On Saturday I enter the 3rd trimester! WOOHOO!!!!

So what has been happening....

On March 3rd we went to the 20 week ultrasound. Where we heard the ultrasound tech say "This is a leg, and this is a leg and this is..." Yep, we are having a boy! Todd is thrilled! I've come around to the idea that there really is a boy in my belly (I was willing to bet money that it was a girl). We are both happy that it is a HEALTHY baby. We also got the good news that my blood clot had gone away! And we also found out that my cervix is irregular. My cervix does a little dimpling thingy, but the cervix measures in the normal range. What this means is lots of ultrasounds (YAY) and dr visits every week. So far, my cervix measurements haven't changed that much and are still in the normal range. Last week the dr told me he hated to burst my worry bubble, but they are now not worried about me anymore than any other pregnant woman entering their 3rd trimester. However they do still want to see me every week to do an internal cervix check (so not fun, I like the ultrasound soooooo much better). They also did a cervix test a few weeks ago and it came back negative. Which means there is less than a 4% chance that I will go into labor before week 35 (but with my pregnancy odds I'm betting on before week 35). They plan on doing another test on the cervix next week. So hopefully, that one comes back negative.

We are slowly getting things for the baby. I think every time I see my mom she has a new outfit for the baby. And we have bought some clothes too. But I want to wait until the time is closer so I know how big the baby is. Right now I'm trying to steer clear of newborn stuff (we have bought some, but most is 3 months), because depending on the size of the baby he could be out of them by the time he is born. I REALLY hope not, because labor scares me enough just thinking about a 5 lb baby! We have decided to do the nursery in a jungle theme and we found the bedding at Gabe's when we were home for Easter. My parents are buying the crib (as they did for the 1st born of each of their kids). And Todd's parents are getting us the stroller.

I'm getting excited for the little one to come. But a part of me is holding back, because I'm afraid something is going to happen. I guess it is normal, with my past pregnancy history. But I still feel like a bad mom and the baby hasn't even come yet! I know there will be many times in the future that I will feel like a bad mom, so I look at it as I'm getting a head start!

I'm off to the dr's today for my weekly visit. And maybe next week I will wash all the baby's clothes, blankets, wash cloths, towels and bedding (of course my hubby has to finish the dresser for Hailey, since she is currently using and out growing the baby's dresser).

P.S. We have a baby name picked out. But it is top secret....my mom doesn't even know (well I may have let the 1st name slip, but I throw enough names out that she doesn't know that is the name for sure)!!

Oh, Baby!

Aug/Sept.

So now my lovely body feels like I'm pregnant from the time I ovulate, until my period starts. Any foods that made me sick during pregnancy now makes me sick during that time....IT SUCKS!

Sept/Oct.

Once again my body goes through the sick feeling like when I'm pregnant. It was so bad this month, I took a test on the 5th, just days before my dr. appointment. At the dr's he told me my last two pregnancies were just bad luck! Nice that I have an official diagnosis on that! lol He didn't give me the green light to start trying. He wants me to wait to the results of my pap come back to make sure the HPV cleared up. He also told me that I may want to wait about 6 months for me to be emotionally ready before we start trying and he promised it had nothing to do with me being teary during the appointment. He told me to at least wait the 2-3 weeks. And I told him that was fine, because I wouldn't be fertile until then. I also told him we would wait and get pregnant when God was ready for us to get pregnant. I'm sure he loved my responses!

Oct./Nov.

So God has thrown a new twist into things this month, my boobs are sore along with the sick feeling when I eat certain foods. Nov. 10 needs to hurry up and get here.

Nov. 10

So, my period didn't start today! I was laying in bed watching 18 kids and counting watching Anna pick clothes out for her baby and I decided to take a test. As I went to take the test my legs started shaking and I got real nervous. As I was waiting for the test, it didn't take the full 3 minutes for the results to be displayed. I was in a state of shock when it said "Pregnant". I was scared to death, but also happy. I took the test down to Todd and showed him. His response was "Yeah and your surprised. I knew because you were bitchy and craving food." Um, thanks for sharing with me. And I do have to agree, I can be extremely bitchy when my egg is fertilized. lol

the rest of Nov

So here we go, again. We are debating when to tell the family. Todd wants to tell them at Christmas, because I will be 12 weeks New Year's weekend. I want to wait longer. I don't want the family to worry about the baby or I. I do enough of it for everyone. I want to wait until 20 weeks or 24 weeks. And by that time, I am over the hump of bad things. I especially worry about Todd's mom, she has her own health issues and doesn't need to add mine unto her plate. Todd then jokes that we can just wait until I deliver or something bad happens and then he will call everyone and tell them the news. It does have some merit.....just kidding

But, other than the worrying, I am very excited. One of my friends is due a few weeks before I am and we can share all our pregnancies milestones and worries. Lisha you need to hurry up and get pregnant so I can share with you! Pregnant for our 32nd b-days! Your running out of time.

I already think the baby is a little girl. Todd says it is a boy and his name will be Bruce Frederick. I'm sorry but one Bruce Frederick in the world is ENOUGH! Let the Boss have his name. lol

Dec. 2
I had my first dr. appointment today. The dr went over my past history and told me the plan for this pregnancy. They will keep an eye on my fluid levels and redo a pap during 2nd trimester to check for any infections. And to let me know that there isn't anything they can do to prevent what happened last time. So I just hold my breath and pray that my water doesn't break before it is time to deliver a healthy baby. They also did an ultrasound and I got to hear my baby's heartbeat. That is the most wonderful sound ever! My baby measured 7 weeks 5 days and by my last period I would be 7 weeks 4 days. Thank you, God for that good news. When I had the first ultrasound with Faith she was 2 weeks behind in growth. So I always hold my breath until that first measurement. So now I can release a little bit of air and hold the rest in until I make it past week 24, the earliest they will deliver a baby. Praying that I make it to the high 30's in weeks and have a healthy baby that we get to bring home with us...alive!

Dec. 10
We told our parents the news. They are excited, kinda. Todd's mom wants to make sure that I am taking care of myself and eating right. I'm a lot like my mom, it is hard for her to get excited, because of the past pregnancies.

Dec. 17 (could be graphic)
Last night when I went up to get ready for bed, there was blood on my underwear. I started freaking out and Todd tried to calm me down. I did some praying and reading, and settled in for a long night. I got up at 5:30 am and went to the bathroom. There was minute spotting. And when I wiped it was brown blood. I wasn't freaking out too bad and went back to bed. Woke up at 8:10 am and went to the bathroom, again. No new spotting, however when I wiped it was still brownish. I called the dr and they wanted to see me at 10:20. I called my hubby and made him come home from work to go with me. All night long I kept thinking, "I'm miscarrying." And I thought I don't know if I can handle this, esp. so close to Christmas, not to mention my b-day. When we went to the dr they did an ultrasound. Thankfully, the baby was doing fine....heartbeat was great, measured to the day, and my cervix looked great. Woohoo! However, on further inspection, the dr noticed bleeding and said I was going to be spotting for a while. She called it a subchorionic hemorrhage. She reassured me that it wasn't harming the baby, it wasn't near the placenta and it was very small. It looked HUGE on the ultrasound, but she measured it and it was 1cm by 1/4 cm...TINY. They want to see me next week before we leave for home. My choices were Tues.(my b-day) or Wed. I said I only wanted good news if I came in on Tues. Just to be on the safe side the scheduled me for Wed. morning. So, until then I'm trying to keep the faith that this baby is the baby that we will bring home from the hospital with us...alive and healthy!

Jan. 1
Today I'm thinking positive thoughts! I'm hoping the next 6 1/2 months go smoothly and I will have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby to bring home. We still haven't told many people, just immediate family: our parents and siblings. I'm still waiting to make sure the blood clot goes away. We went to the dr. on the 23rd and I met with my regular dr. He said that the clot was about 3 cm, so either it grew or the other dr gave us the wrong measurements. Either way it is still small and they aren't worried too much. I think I worry enough for everyone! lol The dr asked me if I wanted to take the ultrasound machine home with me, and I replied uh YEAH!! Dumb question! My next appointment is the 5th, where I hope I get more good news! So until then, I will be praying and reading my bible more and hanging with Hailey (we picked her up on the 27th and she will be staying with us awhile).

Jan. 5
Went to the doctor's today. They did an ultrasound and said everything looked good! YAY! The tech. told me that when she measured the back of the baby's neck there were no signs of chromosome problems...of course I didn't hear it from her. lol She also measured the baby's nasal bone (I didn't even know they could do that, esp. this early) to compare with all the measurements and my bloodwork (I have no idea). And to top it off, my bloodclot has shrunk back to its orginal size. YAY! I remembered to ask the dr what meds I could take for my cold, but I forgot to ask the dr if my hubby and I could resume normal activity. OOPS! I guess I'm back to a normal pregnant women's schedule, they don't won't to see me for a month. Unless, something goes wrong....but NOTHING is going to go wrong!

Faith's 1st Birthday

I've dreaded this day for an entire year. I knew the day would come as I held her lifeless body in my arms. I wondered how I would handle the 1 year anniversary of her birth and her death. I've had tears, randomly throughout the day. For no reason they would start falling. Thankfully, I had Hailey, our 2 year old granddaughter here with me to keep my mind occupied. And my mom called to check in on me, to make sure I was okay. Which of course brought tears to my eyes. My husband and I haven't really talked about it, today. He was busy this morning, giving the dog a bath and hanging with Hailey. Then he left for work at 1. I try to focus on the few minutes we had her alive. And that fact that I got to hold her, while she was alive. But the tears fall as I think about what if she would have been healthy. What would life have been like? Would she be a daddy's girl or her mommy's precious one? And then the questions of will I ever have a healthy living baby, that I can take home from the hospital and watch grow? We have put our faith in God's hands on us having a healthy baby. But I question when will this happen. I know it will happen in God's time and not my time. I often think of the bible story of Hannah, and how she was beyond her child-bearing years when she gave birth for the 1st time. Although, I am patient in most areas of my life, I'm not in this area. I've always wanted a little one of my own. When I was little I always played that I was the mommy or teacher. I've done the teacher, now I want to be a mommy to a baby that will grow with Todd and I on Earth. So, as the day comes to an end I look to the future with hope and faith. And I look back on the time I had with Faith....holding her in my arms as she kicked my arm, hearing her soft cries, wiping her nose as she had a snot bubble. In the few precious moments we had with Faith, I was able to experience normal baby reactions.
Happy Birthday, Faith! Mommy & Daddy love you! And you hold a special place in our hearts. Enjoy playing with your brother, and we will one day be with you!

painting

As I begin the new stage of my life as a stay at home wife, I find myself bored out of my mind. So, I need to find things to occupy myself. Cleaning and organizing head the top of my list. The other day, I decided to tackle the painting of the guest bedroom and the bathroom by myself. I started with the bedroom. I was enjoying myself, Max would come in and sniff around then leave. He wasn't too interested in my painting. After getting the first coat of choc. almond on the walls (well every where I could reach), I moved onto the bathroom. Max would come to the door to check on me, but then he would go back downstairs to nap and wait for Todd to come home. Todd came home, said hi to Max and then the two of them came upstairs to check on me. Todd was literally home for 2 minutes at this point. He comes into the bathroom to check my progress and give me a "Honey I'm home kiss". Max comes in with him and tries to turn around in our tiny bathroom. Needless to say our lovely black dog, had streaks of brown on him. He then takes off down the hallway as Todd is trying to see how much paint he had on him. So, now my hallway has spots of choc. almond on it. Max was def. the funniest part of painting (minus my tpt outfit - yoga capris, sports bra, wife-beater and of course paint every where and my hair pulled back in a black headband and clips to hold my hair up because I couldn't find a hair-tye ...I was def. looking SEXXXXXY). So now my painting is finished. And now I need to clean the middle room (previous known as the baby room, but is now going to be a playroom), because Hailey is coming to visit for a few weeks. Labor Day weekend we are going to visit my 18 year old step-daughter, Jess, jr and almost 2 year old granddaughter. Jess, jr has agreed to allow Todd and I to "kidnap" Hailey for a few weeks. Jess, jr moved out of her mom's house in June (right after her 18th b-day and right before our 1st annv). She is now living with her 20 something fiance, his roommate & possibly his girlfriend too! So, with Jess, jr starting college and her new roommates we figured everyone could use a break. So, for a few weeks this fall I get to be a stay at home grandma. I can't wait. Don't tell my husband, but my job hunt is on hiatus until October, or whenever Hailey leaves (i'm fine with her staying for a few months and have plans if todd gets transferred that the hotel we will stay in will have a pool for Hailey and I). So our fairy tale continues with more laughs and hopefully excitement!

summer ending

I don't think I have ever had as many mixed emotions at the end of the summer, that I do this year. The summer started with me quiting my job to move with Todd, which I was so happy to do. Commuting back and forth and only seeing each other on the weekends was just too hard. And plus, with a baby on the way we needed to be together. In June we celebrated our first anniversary. Where we celebrated making it through the first year and said how wonderful and happy our 2nd year would be. Our first year brought Todd being transferred and then the loss of our baby. It also brought us our puppy, Max and finding out I was pregnant with our baby boy. The happiest day of my pregnancy was the day I found out the quad screening came back normal, which is where problems began to take root with Faith. Then two days after our anniversary, my water broke and with it the happiness of the summer came to an end. July brought many tears and times I wanted to be alone with just Todd. We headed home for a few days and then to Ocean City, MD to escape. I was able to enjoy my time there with Todd. But by the end of the week my horomones kicked in and so did my moodiness, I was pmsing. If it wasn't enough Todd left me for 2 weeks of training in Denver, CO. I was home alone with Max in a town where I knew no one. I began to realize that I really am not a dog person. Todd tells me Max will get better, it's just the puppy stage. But cleaning up the bathroom twice, because Max chewed up stuff from the garbage/toliet paper didn't help matters. And then I found my Piglet beanie baby with a big whole in it, missing all the beans on the floor of the attic. And one of my books torn to pieces on the floor of the attic. Or the morning I came downstairs to the living room floor covered in a full box of tissues strewn on the floor. Max and I survived Todd being away, but barely! The week after Todd came home, I headed for my parents for my niece's birthday! I had a fun time going to Delgrosso's (twice) and hanging with my family. My nieces are one of the greatest joys of my life! I love the time I spend with them and miss them terribly! On Sunday as we are getting ready for the party, Todd calls me to tell me that something is wrong with my car, it is overheating. He then calls to tell me he is walking home and thinks it might be the water pump. I came home on Monday, to the freezer thawing out all the food and we had my car towed. When it rains it pours! They still don't know what is wrong with my car. They fixed the thermosat and now think it could be the head gaskets, but aren't sure. I had a dr appt. on Tuesday and was dreading what the dr would tell me (I was worried about things coming in three, & thinking I already had my 3 bad things for the summer). The p.a. told me everything looked good and to come back in Oct. for my annual pap and we could start trying after 3 months (if we are ready). But as Aug. is coming to end, I find myself missing not having a job to go back to. I miss knowing that I'm not going back to my friends in Morgan county. After 9 years, it is hard to know that I won't being going back. And it is upsetting and stressful knowing that I don't have a job. Although, we could probably make it on one salary, life would be tight. And since I'm not pregnant, I feel like I need to bringing home money. Although I don't won't to work retail and would love to be working with children, I find myself thinking I'm going to be the next Walmart greeter. So, I'm hoping that fall will bring happier times than this summer. Sometimes I wish I could see what God's plan is and what He has in store for us, but until than we our living our fairy tale....holding onto each other and thanking God we have each other.

And so our fairy tale begins

My husband and I met 8 1/2 years ago on a blind date set up by my cousin and his wife. I would love to say our fairy tale always was happy, but I would be lying! We dated for 2 1/2 years (off and on) and were even engaged. We had a wedding date set for June 28, 2003. But in April 2003, Todd decided he wasn't ready to get married...to me. He married a year later...to someone else. And adopted his step-daughter, Jess. In 2006, he found out his wife was cheating on him (karma?) and that she didn't want to be married. So my knight in shining armor came back to me with a few kinks in the armor. In the three years we were separated I looked for a new guy, but each guy didn't measure up to how I felt about Todd. Todd and I kept in contact through occassional emails and phone calls. And of course since he was best friends with my cousin I learned about Todd's life through my aunt and my cousin's wife. So, when Todd called and said he was getting divorced I had mixed emotions. I still loved him, but was it worth the risk of getting my heart broken...again? He was moving home and I was going to give it another chance. I wanted to wait a few months, so Todd had time to be alone and come to terms to everything that was happening. But he insisted that he was ready and knew he wanted me and I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So we began dating when he moved back in Dec. Telling my parents was the hardest thing for me to do, I was so scared of what they would say because they got me through the last break up. I chickened out and emailed my mom. My mom had told me when we broke up before the wedding that Todd always comes back and he would come back to me. Well, he did, just with a few dents in the armor. I would love to say the from this point on the fairy tale was always happy, but again I would be lying. Almost a year later Todd decided he needed space, because he needed time alone because he rushed into a relationship with me right after breaking up with his ex. Hmmmm, I think I told him it was going to happen. All this coincided with the birth of his granddaughter to his 16 year old daughter. Todd and I stayed broken up for a few days. But after staying home and crying out my broken heart, I decided I was going to fight for our relationship and not let him decide what was always going to happen in our relationship. We decided to take things slow and see where things may lead. That was October and in Nov. Todd decided to stop using protection. He asked me what I thought, and I have always wanted a child and I told him he knew the repercussions of not using protection (I have never been on the pill, I didn't see what the point was). Well in March, my friend Lisha and I went to Walmart and bought a test. I took it a few days later with Todd....April 1. He cried for happiness and I threw up. My positive test and our engagement all came together. And we began to plan our wedding...well I planned and he said whatever you want. On June 28, 2008 (five years to the day that we were supposed to get married the first time) I became a fairy tale. From the time I took test until the day I gave birth to Faith, I knew something wasn't right. And two days after I became Mrs. Hansel, we found out that there could be something seriously wrong with our baby. And things went down hill from there. Trips to Morgantown gave little hope that our baby would be ok. I kept the Faith, that God knew what He was doing. In September, we found out that our baby had 69 chromosomes (I had an amniocentesis done). With that news the doctor told Todd there was no chance of survival. I of course did research on the internet and found out that the longest a baby had lived with the 69 chromosomes was about 4 or 5 months. The baby was in and out of the hospital with heart and breathing problems every month. We decided that we didn't want that for our baby, so we chose to be induced. We found out that we were having a girl. I chose the name Faith, because I had faith that God would provide us with other children that would be healthy. On September 17, 2008 we welcomed Faith into the world for a few brief moments. Faith was alive when she was born and all her grandparents got to hold her when she was alive. I got to hear her cry, she pushed my hand away as I tried to hold her hand, and she kicked my hand. She only weighed 14 oz and wasn't even a foot long. When I passed her off to Todd he was worried about holding her and how to do it. I said she fits in the palm of your hand and she did. God blessed us with being able to hold our baby, while she was still alive. Todd was my knight in shining armor (no dents this time). He got me through the loss of the baby. And did I mention that in July we found out Todd was getting transferred, 3 hours away. Because I was pregnant and our winter babysitter was my dad, we decided that I would move in with my parents and go with Todd on the weekends. So a week after I got home from the hospital, the movers came and packed up our apartment. The next few months were times for healing and waiting until we could start trying again. In March we found out we were expecting. Our baby was due on Thanksgiving. From the time I took the test, I was excited for this baby. We began buying a book every month for the baby. On June 25, we found out we were having a boy. Todd was so excited. On the 28th we headed to NJ for a few days to celebrate our 1st anniversary. On June 30th my water broke at 10 pm. We rushed to the hospital and they said there was no hope I was going to lose the baby. Todd told the dr, we would go home and see our dr. So my first visit to my new doctor was not a happy one. He sent me to the hospital and they admitted me for observation for a few days. They told me I needed to make it to Aug. 5 and then they would admit me until I delivered. So on July 3, they sent me home on bedrest. On July 4th Todd went to work and I had belly pains all day. We called the hospital and they said it sounded like it was a reaction to the meds they gave me to fight off infection. The pains got worse and felt like contractions. So at 8 pm I called the hospital again as we were headed out the door. At a little after 11 pm they couldn't find his heartbeat and admitted me. At a few minutes before 5 am I delivered Gabriel Alan, our little angel. However, my placenta wouldn't deliver. They waited 3 hours for it to deliver. Then I started gushing blood, but no placenta. I lost so much blood (1.5 - 2 liters) that they had to rush me to the O. R. for a DNC and blood transfusion. Again Todd was my rock. He has been there for me. And so now I wait to see where a fairy tale goes from here....